so i've noticed that work makes having an eating disorder/bosy issues really hard.
i'm a stripper, and i love/hate it. i like making good money, and i like dancing and getting all that exercise at work, and having it be a lot less boring than most jobs, and the women i work with are so sweet,  but it makes me actually despise most men. the ones that come into strip clubs are such arrogant sexist pricks that just loooove objectifying women. of course i'm just a body, a stupid stripper with nice tits.
i feel like i will kill if i hear anyone say " i love skinny white girls like you, you have a ballet dnacers shoulders, a perfect waist,  i love your ribs, how do you stay so thin?"  or when they call other dancers fat. oh my god. it fills me with rage. it makes me want to cry. it makes me want to projectile vomit onto them and be like "that's my diet trick motherfucker. sexxxy, right? i like how the fucked up beauty standards you hold women up to make us SICK. we're dying slow pointless self induced deaths to play into these fucked up standards you help perpetuate"
 
 and i hate how i do this to myself. but at the same time, it's gotten to the point where it's either binge and purge...or restrict heavily, and i take the latter cause it's less immediately dangerous. it's not perfect, but it's all i ahve right now. i'm actually terrified, and i mean terrified of food. and i'm fucking deppressed, eally fucking deppressed. and i wish i was stronger than this, that i could pull myself out of it and be a strong functional person, but i'm hanging on to hope by a thread.
  
 
anyways, here's what i ate today: 
 

 breakfast: 1 cup watermelon, black coffee
  
 
lunch : an apple, 2 pickles, a glass of oj
  

 snack: bottle of kombucha, apple
 
dinner: bowl of shredded cabbage with rice vinegar, tea with honey
 
 
even now, i feel like i'm not losing weight fast enough. i almost just want people to notice, to see my capability to consciously deprive myself, to care.  about how fucking deppressed i am while still being controlled and productive.
 
what is my life. oh god.
 

NO! this is not the half life i want to live!!!! what do i need to do to feel alive and whole?
 

i just woke up this morning with my chest  feeling like wool that shrunk in the dryer.  My chest feels taut and breathing is a challenge, I feel this overwhelming anxiety. I feel seperate from my body. I want to cut. I want to cut but I can't because I'm a stripper and they will see. But at least I remember that I must starve. I cannot eat. Don't i want that delicate, fragile body? That body that matches up with how I feel? With my drive to simultaneously destroy and perfect? Yes, I want that body. I want that body and all that comes with it. I have to remember that it takes patience. Like this morningn I go on the scale and it said 121 instead of 120.. gahhh.
but maybe that has to do with how much water I drank or something? It doesn't make sense otherwise. Could I be eating too much? even when it's been a heavily restricted diet of lettuce and apples? Nah, those are basically negative calorie food. maybe today i should try not eating flat out? No, I'll probably binge. I'll eat minimally. I'll retain this control. It's all I have.
I've realized that I've sort of stopped dealing with emotions. I've suppressed all the scary things and the traumatic things but I know they are still bottled up with in me, I know that they are there and because of this I still hurt. I don't know how to remember and I don't know how to  deal. After a while, if you are beaten every time you cry or think or feel, you keep that to yourself. I feel half a person, only vaguely feeling, constantly detached. I could easily just curl up in my bed and stay there. warm,  silent. like a mini death.  I used to cry every day. I can't remember the last time I cried. i'm a afraid and I'm shy and i feel like i'm regressing.

NO! this is not the half life i want to live!!!! what do i need to do to feel alive and whole?